This one is for the boys (and for the people raising boys). I wrote this after Shana Fisher was murdered by Dimitrios Pagourtzis. “He kept making advances on her and she repeatedly told him no,” Shana Fisher’s mother reported. Apparently Shana told him no for four months.
There’s a popular saying that goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.” And I think this saying was supposed to be useful when you are trying to hit a ball off of a golf tee, but we have started to apply it to dating and sex: If she says no, just keep asking until you wear her down and you’ll eventually “win”
How many times did Dimitrios Pagourtzis hear no before he decided to kill the girl he couldn’t have, along with 9 others?
Many boys (and I’m purposely using boys in this instance because boys are the ones shooting up schools) are walking around with such a sense of entitlement that they cannot fathom why a woman would not want to be with them. They cannot fathom why they don’t have friends, why their life isn’t exactly how they want it to be.
We have a society full of young, angry, men who were taught that, if they try hard enough, they can get whatever they want. And when they don’t get it? Time and time again there is violence, there is death.
I don’t flaunt my child psychologist expertise here often but I’m going to do it now. Some advice:
Teach your children no. Let them feel disappointment and tell them that the world doesn’t owe them a damn thing. They may be angry at this. Good— show them appropriate ways to be angry. Show them how to turn their frustration into something beneficial.
Throw out the rigid definition of masculinity. Teach your boys that there is more to being a man than sexin’ women and shootin’ guns. Teach your boys that men can be complex: both strong and gentle, both dependable and emotional. They can be intelligent and silly. Teach your boys that they can be all of these things, and STILL, there will be women who say “no” and that is ok. - 7 hours ago