‘What about me?’ The Before - Part I
‘What about me?’ This question popped into my mind several times in my life.
I am giver. I spent a lifetime giving my love, attention, energy, to work and people. I gave, again and again, and there would be times, when I would somehow stop and ask myself: ‘What about me?’ My giving was automatic. An impulse. A compulsion. I spent a lot of time giving and waiting for my turn to receive, waiting for that time someone would do something for me and magically guessing my needs.
This often led me to feeling invisible, helpless, undervalued, unheard and sometimes taken advantage of. I felt miserable and constantly sought validation from others.
I feared expressing myself openly, of asking too much, being too much, being a nuisance.
I hid my unhappiness behind control. I had a rigid routine that gave me the feeling of being safe. I woke up at a specific time every day, arranged things around me in a particular manner, and lived in a certain way. Ultimately this began to feel like a prison where there was no spontaneity, flexibility or enjoyment of life.
This way of being left me stuck in many areas of my life. I saw no alternative to the job I had and no way out of where and of how I was living. I was unhappy. I had a sense of there being more to life and of something calling me, but I had no idea what.
Emotionally, I had experienced a lifetime of ups and downs, with fewer ups than downs. The highs had felt brief, the lows long, grey and opaque, yet on the surface I had no reason to feel that way.
Whenever something unexpected happened, from the smallest thing to bigger events in my life, I went on a whirlwind of emotions. It felt overwhelming, endless, it made me feel lost, without direction and it would take me a long time to find my way back to myself.
Anxiety and depression were familiar states.
From intense debilitating pain to being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, from a discomfort of exploring the past in therapy to uncovering childhood sexual abuse.
It took a series of events to finally make me become aware of all of this. To wake up. (Continues below or full text link in bio) - 15 minutes ago