Trauma isn’t linear. Sometimes you could almost forget it was this same lifetime; sometimes it feels so raw you could taste it, more present than the present itself; and though you’ve spent years forgetting, it can take so little to bring it crashing back into the here and now. Impossible to see, to speak, when all around is blackness and shame; impossible to write, when pressing ink to paper, finger to screen, would be such a waste, so meaningless, so huge and empty.
At the hospital, in Crisis, they ask whether you ever reported, as if a log number would make your words more valid than the mouth which spoke them. When they get to the section of notes on the sectioning for psychosis they laugh, never understanding that just because the doctor called it ‘hallucination’ doesn’t make it any less real. They ask you to list the numbers, dates, acronyms of treatments, wards. You forget what the test is for. A woman sits in the corner to make sure you don’t try anything, but they’ve taken the locks off the doors and replaced the red alarm string with plastic, just to be sure.
They know you’re scared of speaking to strangers but they still expect you to answer the phone.
They know you’re scared of speaking to strangers but they still turn up at the door with files and flyers and forms, is it ok if he sits in with us, he’s in training. So have you ever thought about reporting? And did you try the mindfulness app? They count your pills out for you - one for sleep, one for pain, one for sadness, two for joy - and there's comfort in that.
They know you’re scared of speaking to strangers but when you shake your head they note it down and ask you what you need.
‘Quiet,’ your mute self says; ‘Sleep.’ Honestly, if you can ask, they’ll let you.
Sometimes, trauma leaves neat white scars, white marks on x-rays, x’s on charts. Sometimes it leaves nothing at all and you catch yourself wondering which parts are the real ones. Not everyone understands the facade.
Trauma isn’t linear but it comes in on the wind and it will pass. The air will calm, you will raise your head to speak and see, and even though there were so many times you nearly didn’t, you will carry on being alive. - 1 hour ago