// Anatomy of hollow places // hollow places are heavier than they look,
I'm scared of liking things;
as soon as i do
their ghosts make me smile at gunpoint
'cause i build cavities each time i find home.
hollow places aren't dark,
darkness is a privilege-
what would you call the absence of light
to those who never saw it.
each time i look at a fifteen year old
jamming to beatles and muttering,
"if i could I'd feel nothing".
or something i read in sixth grade;
as i put myself in those cavities
i swell up with everything,
those walls don't have?
do you understand?
the walls of hollow places are anti-feeling
but the fucking universe needs a balance,
someone breathes, you drown
one giggles, other frowns.
Hollow places look a lot like distant stars,
tiny shimmering dots of fluorescence-
zoom in: poetry doesn't reach in,
the vacuum in between
heartbeats and hollow places
is an impermeable membrane;
all the love my friends send doesn't seep in,
the walls eat it up and the cavity grows;
so i tell them to stop loving me,
because what if the cavity grows into a giant
to eat all of them up.
anxiety spreads like wildfire in hollow places,
but there are these textures and chambers
right between the emptiness,
cause some wounds are emptier than others.
the faintest room is for the poems
i couldn't ooze out of my skin,
and let blood talk instead to the blades.
the tiniest and suffocating one,
there i keep souvenirs
of everyone i used to talk to
untill they got swallowed down
trying to set me free.
there's a vaguely bright corner in the faceless-
I'd collect all the afternoon sun
that i would try to burn myself away into,
because 3am tears are breakdowns
the ones at 3pm are in my head.
yes, the ones in my head are uglier.
there's a shady corner in here, with paintings of everyone i secretly prayed was gulped in,
because these hollow places are lonely;
i couldn't leave it,
i was becoming it;
took me seventeen years to see,
pulling in people didn't fill up the cavity,
it just stretched it out
to another dead heartbeat's size.
contd. in comments)) - 2 hours ago