Sometimes I feel ugly. I don’t tell you this so you’ll try to convince me I’m wrong. I tell you this because the reason I feel this way is due to beauty standards being cis-het centric and binary in nature.
My in-between-ness often just feels like “not-enough-ness” or “too-much-ness” with no real in between. Not feminine enough to be a pretty woman. Too feminine to be a “real man”. Not muscular enough to be manly. Too much hip to be androgynous. Too pretty to be a boy. Not handsome enough to be a man.
Even writing these words is funny to me because “man” “woman” “masculine” “feminine” aren’t anything I identify with it aspire to be. Androgyny is where I feel most comfortable with myself, but it’s also where those voices get the loudest. The ones that tell me how beautiful I am depend upon being either handsome or pretty— but definitely not both at the same time.
Here is the truth though— I DO see myself as both. And I see myself as beautiful here in this in-between-ness that isn’t so much “between” two opposites as much as it is just something else entirely. Not a balance between two points on a scale, but a balance between how I see myself and how the world taught me to be. I’m still learning that balance. I’m still learning how to be me. - 4 minutes ago