It's been a little while since I shared about our miscarriage.
But, with it being national rainbow baby and all...I felt it was a good time to open up a little bit and offer some encouragement where I can.
Why is this word so taboo?
I had several conversations again today about our sweet angel baby. I'm super pregnant. And I'm super hormonal, so all those things put together have me EXTREMELY emotional.
If you are looking at all these rainbow babies today wondering WHEN, or HOW, or WHY....I feel you. I hear you. I see you. I wish I could hold you. Before I was an earth-baby momma, I lonnnnged for the day to have a baby of my own to hold in my arms. That has been the ONLY calling I have ever felt strongly about in my whole life. To be a mom.
So, girl. I get you.
Paul and I experienced a miscarriage. Our first pregnancy. Talk about rough.
I felt BROKEN. Like I was empty. Like I wasn't ever going to be a mom. Like I already failed before I even got to try. Like I was WORTHLESS. Like I was being punished.
These were all thoughts that went through my head.
How would I ever be a good mom if I couldn't even keep a baby alive in the womb? Maybe I wasn't supposed to have kids. Maybe I wouldn't be good enough.
It hurt bad. And ya know what---the one person that said something to me that resonated with me more than anything else said this: "This sucks." Yep. It did suck. It still sucks.
No matter how much anyone wants to try to heal your pain, lessen your hurt, it just doesn't. It sucks. And it's something that you have to deal with every day.
I had to have a D&C to remove the baby. It was so emotional. I still remember exactly how I felt laying in the hospital bed. Feeling pregnant---because I WAS! Thinking that it was a TOTAL nightmare, that I would wake up and things would be fine.
But it wasn't. It was real life.
And it sucked.
And I don't even have words of wisdom. I will say that it hurts less now, but that sweet baby was my first. That sweet baby made me a mommy.
Every pregnancy since, I am scared to death the entire time. As much as I complain about everything, EVERY wiggle reassures me she's growing and healthy and we are doing ok. - 29 minutes ago