#first40dayswithesme Day 22
| Goin Deep | •
“No matter how resolved we think we may be with our relationship to our mothers, no matter how individuated or how over it we think we are, another layer arises when we give birth. It’s a time when we need mothering, and if we don’t receive it from either our own mothers or from someone who can serve as a surrogate mother, we are thrown back into reliving all of the ways that we didn’t receive it in the past.”——“when there is unprocessed emotion, the postpartum period can become heavier and more intense. For woman who have contentious and difficult relationships with their mothers, they can be ricocheted back into their childhood selves, left wondering if any of the work they did on themselves earlier made any impact at all.” •
Another whoa moment for me while reading the forth trimester by Kimberly Johnson ( @magamamas )
Sharing areas of childhood has never been comfortable for me. I feel conflicted. I know the acknowledgment would fuel healing but even as an adult speaking on this causes me to feel weak and whiny, or unloving to those who have experienced and lived worse. . I’ve also been allowing myself to believe that since I don’t cry anymore, I’m not hurting anymore. A level of stubbornness or denial that I know isn’t helpful to self. I’ve been thinking a lot on this..the mother lineage and mother wound. From both as child and mother perspective. My heart feels an ache for both what I lost as a child and now as a mother myself; imagining what she had to of been feeling to think it was best to disconnect.
For the sake of continued transparency in healing through my first 40 days, I feel pulled to share a snippets of a letter practice suggested in chapter 13. I can’t recommend this book enough-
I feel my conception was your attempt at numbing pains you were carrying from the adoption only months earlier. Once I was born I’m told you were happy. You were loving, attentive, and present. However, your smiles faded quickly and you felt it best to leave me too. You took me as a little girl to a family. Leaving me with only my own reasoning to ponder...for years you left me to believe I had failed to heal your hurt. - 10 months ago