People often ask me, "what happened? Where did my fire go? Where is the Esther I knew?
As I hear those words, I cant help but feel shame, guilt, sadness and anger. Not because of their words, but because I ask the same on a daily.
I know what happened. I know what changed me and now learning how. However, the more I learn how, why and what, the angrier I get. Yes, I'm supposed make light of that education and use it to my advantage. I'm "supposed" to be "enlightened."
Unfortunately, it's not always that easy.
Then comes the "Move on.". Well yes, and as hard as it is to believe, I have and I physically are no longer there, but it's my brain that often cant distinguish the present from the past. Abd it's Not like my Mind....its damage, DAMAGE to my brain. So, what to do when I Don't Have CONTROL! or when you watch me stare in a Blank? What do I do when my progress is so obscure? ...I look out my window, with such obscure perspective of life, I look out, scare, angry, yet, with some sense of curiosity. Although curious, I stay put, for it is my safety. Although, put, I cant help and dwell on how life just passes by. Despite scare, put, curious, and as life passes by, in a very obscure, dim way, there is always this spec of light that calls me. A spec of light that stares me deep. A spec of light that tells me, keep going. A spec of life that tells me, there is another side. A spec of life that says, yes you can. A spec of light that instills hope. A spec of light...
So if you ever wondering what happened, where did I go, if I'm moving forward or not, this is where you can find me. This is where you can peek and look through, into my dark side, my work, my slow progress, my safety. My window.
#_troubled_recovery #nourishment #cultivate #livelife #postpartum #slowprocess #postpartumdepression #seriousshit #support #compassion #ptsd #mst #faith #recovery #healthwellness #selfcare #safety #education #grievingprocess #acceptance #accountability #embracingtheprocess #momoftwo #instamom #findingbalance #femaleveteran #oef #oif #combatvet #puttinginwork - 1 day ago