this week has felt like the many times i got dragged into the undertow of the ocean because i wasn’t prepared to move in tandem with the incoming wave. getting sand in my eyes and mouth, not knowing which was is up or out. fighting flux, tense and rigid. disconnected and defeated.
i know this wave will soon pass, but i can’t help but sink. i have a tendency to isolate myself and convince myself it’s healthy to immerse myself in solitude, but there’s a line. i’ve been fearful of letting others in, lacking the trust in myself to set healthy boundaries. in my past relationships, i would cope with my fear of confrontation and conflict by slowly slipping away, disappearing. i’d hope that others would just forget about me so i wouldn’t have to assert my needs and concerns. i’m learning to break my silence, to forgive myself for all the times i handed off my power to others because i was too afraid to speak up for myself.
i have a complicated relationship with music. my voice is my favourite instrument, a gift, a blessing; yet i’ve been so afraid to use it to empower me in shaping my reality. i’ve been scared to be rejected, abandoned, challenged. i’ve been so concerned with being liked, palatable, digestible, and from this stems all of the trauma i’ve experienced. i’ve realized that saying nothing is saying a lot and that silence can be deafening.
i hope to empower women, girls, and just all sorts of people in general.
to all those who i have ghosted, avoided, ignored: i’m truly sorry, and i forgive you. i hope you find peace and closure.
#womenshistorymonth #metoo #mentalhealthawareness - 56 minutes ago