November 2012 vs June 2019
This may be the most important post I’ve made, CONT’D down in the comments. .
For over 6 years, I compared myself to, who I will refer to now as, “the girl on the left”. If only I could be like her, look like her, be the same weight as her. If only I could go back to that time in my life, hang around the same group of friends, be less like who I’ve become and more like her.
Yet... not a single shred of that inane desire makes any logical sense, whatsoever. .
*TRIGGER WARNING: content may elicit a strong or harmful emotional response*
Girl on the left was in the worst emotional and mental state of her existence. Girl on the left had gotten out of an abusive 6 year relationship that messed her right up for awhile. Girl on the left had recently been sexually assaulted, violated and fully taken advantage of. Girl on the left had to be pushing 180lbs already. Girl on the left was deeply depressed and suicidal, as it was a viable option and a constant everyday idealistic thought..for far too long. Girl on the left was angry and violent. Girl on the left was a textbook insomniac. She was hallucinating, and gravely paranoid. Girl on the left had lost every ounce of spark she ever had in her. She lost all self confidence, self esteem, self worth, self love, self awareness, and self control. She was convinced she was mental and knew that something was very wrong.
Worst of all- girl on the left kept most of this pent up inside herself, put on a brave face the best she possibly could, and fought her demons...equipped with no strategy nor weapons, all on her very own. .
Girl on the left decided it would be a smart idea to take this time to turn to her friend, alcohol, more than ever before as an escape and a means to, “not be me anymore”. It did exactly what she wanted...until it didn’t anymore.
Girl on the left made horrible, foolish, selfish, life altering choices. Girl on the left put herself and sometimes those around her in positions no one deserves to be in, intentionally or not.
Girl on the left was an absolute mess of a human. A lost soul. Gutted. Utterly defeated. Gone. Despite it all, an infinitesimal spark of hope remained. - 0 seconds